SeeD's Wacky Races
by Aaron D
Summary: It's time for the competition of the century! Which car will win the Dollet Double Dash? The Squallmobile? The Disciplinary Dynamo? Or the all-powerful Sorceress Supreme! Seifer's in the lead, but for how long? The race is almost over! COMPLETE!
1. And They're Off!

  


SeeD's _Wacky Races_  
  
Dollet Double Dash

  
  
by Aaron D. Roberts

* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen, we are _live_!!" called Irvine from the blimp overlooking the Dollet race course. The first two turns of the fifty-mile race track could be seen clearly below and behind the gallantly-dressed announcer, who was screaming into his microphone enthusiastically. He looked at the camera with excitement. "I'm your host, Irvine Kinneas. Welcome to today's edition of 'Wacky Races!' Which one of our competitors will win the prize? Here to tell you about today's event is my good friend and co-announcer (and one super-hot piece of tail, by the way), Rinoa!" 

"I swear," Rinoa was saying to the cameraman down on the ground level, "If he hits on me on the air one more time, I'm gonna---" She noticed the light on the camera was on. "Oops! Uh, thanks, Irvine! Today, our racers are going to face the treacherous 'Dollet Double Dash!' This race track circles twice around the outskirts of the city, with a hairpin turn leading into 'Dead Man's Valley' towards the finish. In addition, our competitors will have to jump two separate canyons along the raceway!" 

"Sounds exciting," said Irvine from the Wacky Races blimp. "Now, let's take a look at the line-up of racers for today." 

**Car #1: The Squallmobile!  
Pilots:** Squall Leonhart, Selphie Tilmitt 

**Car #2: Dog-o-matic Wonder!  
Pilots:** Zell Dincht, Quistis Trepe 

**Car #3: Go, Go, Galbadia!  
Pilots:** Biggs Darklighter, Wedge Antilles 

**Car #4: Disciplinary Dynamo!  
Pilots:** Seifer Almasy, Fujin, Raijin (no last names given) 

**Car #5: Sorceress Supreme!  
Pilots:** Edea Kramer, Cid Kramer 

**Car #6: Insane Asylum!  
Pilots:** Doctor Odine, Ward Zabacc, Ellone Loire 

**Car #7: Supporting Casters!  
Pilots:** Nida Johnson (sic), Master Fisherman, Ma Dincht 

**Car #8: Retro Rocket!  
Pilots:** Laguna Loire, Kiros Seagull, Xu Xiadang (sic) 

"And, as always," Irvine reminded the audience, "all of our racers are miked, so that we can hear their every thought and insight during the race. _And they're off!_" The eight cars zipped past the starting line in a cloud of smoke. "Taking an early lead is the Retro Rocket..." 

"That's right, Irvine," Rinoa jumped in as the camera focused on Laguna's rocket-shaped car. "President Laguna Loire of Esthar has made his racer up to resemble the space shuttles of which he's so fond. Let's see what His Excellency is up to now..." 

"All right!" Laguna shouted, taking one of his hands off the steering wheel to pump his fist into the air. "I can't believe we're already in first!" 

"Keep both of your hands on the wheel, Laguna," Kiros said, trying to steady the car's direction himself. 

"Don't be such a worry-wart," said Laguna. 

"Um, guys," Xu said softly but urgently from the backseat. The Retro Rocket was coming up on a sharp, almost ninety-degree, turn. 

"Whoa!" Laguna jerked the wheel to the right, nearly causing all three of the car's occupants to fly out of their seats. 

"Be more careful!" Kiros shouted. 

"Uh-oh," called Irvine from the blimp, "looks like Seifer and his 'posse' are catching up quick. What dirty, nasty, evil tricks will that dastardly gang try?" 

Seifer grinned at the camera as he drove the Disciplinary Dynamo, an open-top car covered with advertising decals. It had very unaerodynamic fish fins and a huge chrome spoiler. Raijin waved from his elevated seat in the back while Fujin glowered at the camera drone from the passenger's side. "You know," Seifer said, "I'm not really evil. People just misunderstand me all the time. No one gets me---" 

"FUJIN, GET." 

"Yeah, like, I get you too, ya know?" 

Seifer groaned. "Okay, no one who _matters_ gets me. Anyway, as I was saying, people always think I'm some disgusting lizard-like creature who can't be trusted in any situation. This is SO far from the truth." 

Fujin waved in agreement. "TRUE, NOT." 

"Yeah," Raijin said. "He's like, not evil, or anything, ya know?" 

"You said it, guys." Stomping on the gas pedal, Seifer sped past the Retro Rocket and pressed a button on the console. "Now watch as I use our car's 'oil slick' ability to knock that old geezer and his gang out of the race!" Several gallons of motor oil squirted from under the Disciplinary Dynamo's trunk, soaking the roadway. Laguna's car spun out and left the course, smashing its side into a cactus. Seifer cackled maniacally, shouting, "Later, suckers!" as he captured first place. 

"Phew," said the President of Esthar said. "That was a little scary, but it looks like we all made it out okay." 

"Yeah," Xu said. "I think we're all in one piece." 

"Not all of us," Kiros said in a falsetto, picking cactus stickers out of his right arm, right leg, and a few other places best left unmentioned. 

"Oh!" Irvine said dramatically. "What a horrible upheaval! But it looks like we have another new challenger catching up to Seifer and company! That's right, we've got top SeeDs Zell Dincht and Quistis Trepe quickly making up time in the Dog-o-matic Wonder!" 

"Aside from being the only vehicle in the world to be shaped like a hot dog," Rinoa quickly explained, "The Dog-o-Matic also runs completely off of rendered beef fat, thanks to the genius of its creator, Quistis Trepe." 

The camera looked past Zell, sitting in the passenger's seat of the Dog-o-matic Wonder, and focused in on the blond female SeeD, who was doing her best to keep in the running for first place. "Mmm-hmm," she said absently, concentrating on the road in front of her. "I also gave the car its 'hot dog' shape because of its aerodynamic nature, not because of its, er, resemblance to any specific food product." 

"Plus," added Zell, opening what looked like it might have been the glove compartment, "it makes all the hot dogs you want!" He pulled three footlongs out of the compartment. "Awww yeaahh!" He started stuffing his face. Suddenly, Quistis had to step on the brakes, interrupting Zell's digestive process. He coughed as a piece of hot dog got stuck in his throat. Pointing to his chest, he motioned for Quistis to help him. 

"As I was saying," Quistis continued, oblivious to her partner's difficulties, "I've been pretty amazed at what speeds this car can maintain using only beef fat (and certain other meat products). I've already applied to the Balamb Patent Office for the process, but I can only hope the Galbadian government doesn't try to take it from me. We all know what happened with the whole 'McSushi Hut Chihuahua' incident. That dog was legally the property of Timber Maniacs, cruelly stolen by the Galbadian goverment---Zell, are you all right?" 

Zell's face was turning blue. He gestured frantically for Quistis' help. Sighing, Quistis punched him in the gut. A large chunk of processed hot dog meat flew out and slapped noisily against the Dog-o-matic Wonder's windshield. "Thanks," Zell breathed gratefully. 

Irvine's face now re-dominated the television screen. "Well, now that we've got that little tragedy out of our way, let's check in on the lollygaggers in our little race. Believe it or not, we've got a heated competition going on right now for _seventh_ place, and here's Rinoa to tell you all about it." 

"Irvine, right now both the Sorceress Special and Go, Go, Galbadia are racing hard to avoid that all-too-embarrassing feat of finishing in last place. Now, it looks like the Galbadians are having trouble with their engines! Let's zoom in and see what's going on, shall we?" 

Smoke was flooding from the Go, Go, Galbadia's hood, which popped open as Biggs tried to keep driving. Amazingly, the car was still in motion, losing only a bit of speed as it started to fall apart. "Lousy government-built cars!" Biggs lamented, brushing some soot out of his face. "Wedge! See if you can fix that!" 

Wedge saluted. "Sir, I don't know if I can work on the car while it is in motion, sir!" 

"Damn it," said Biggs, "we don't have time to argue! Get to work!" 

Sighing, Wedge brought out a monkey wrench, a pair of protective gloves, and a gas mask to prevent any smoke inhalation. "Sir, by your command, sir!" He placed the mask over his head and gingerly crawled up over the windshield of the Galbadian sedan, diving into the inferno that was the Go, Go, Galbadia's engine. 

"You see," Biggs explained to the audience, "basically our ride is the same as a regular Galbadian government-issue car. The main differences are that it's a convertible, obviously, and that it's been souped-up quite a bit to allow a higher maximum speed. According to our government scientists, we can reach speeds of up to _seventy miles an hour_ with this thing! That's unheard of!" 

"Sir!" Wedge called from the front of the car, leaping up and closing the hood with his feet. "I believe I have fixed the problem, sir!" 

"Wonderful," said Biggs. The car had actually stopped smoking for the moment. Then, as the duo of Galbadian military officers rounded a corner into a more mountainous region of the Dollet countryside, a loud bang erupted from the vehicle's carriage. "Not again!" 

"Ha, ha!" Irvine laughed as the scene shifted to the next car in line. "Those wacky Galbadians. Our seventh place car right now is the Sorceress Special, piloted by Cid and Edea Kramer." 

"It's the only car in the race that runs completely on magical power," Rinoa added. "It runs off of a combination of para-magic and Edea's own Sorceress powers." 

"That's true," Edea added from the driver's seat of the Sorceress Special, "but when we run out of Haste spells, things tend to get a little...slow. I have Cid refining some Magic Stones in the back right now, don't I, Cid?" 

"Yes, dearest," Cid answered, grinding the magical stones together. "Unfortunately, my Guardian Force, Beefcake, is having difficulty getting his refinement spell just right." 

Edea took her eyes off the road, staring back at her husband with a hint of the evil Sorceress that legends had told of for countless centuries. "You tell him he'd better get it done, and quickly, or I'll rip out his liver and eat it for breakfast---er," she corrected herself, regaining more of her normal, cheery disposition. "I mean, tell him to hurry up, please, or we'll have no chance of winning the race!" 

"Of course, dear," Cid affirmed, as if nothing were out of the ordinary. 

Irvine took over the narration at this point. "Next up, in sixth place, we have the Insane Asylum, an incredibly odd-looking car invented by the famous Doctor Odine! Let's see what the intrepid driving trio of Odine, Ward, and Ellone is up to right now!" 

The Insane Asylum, as one might expect, had a less than consistent design. The front appeared to be similar to a ordinary motor-home, while the back tapered off to a swan tail. The vehicle was topped by by a gunner's turret, although no actual gun seemed to be present, although it did contain several odd-looking control panels, however. Ward was driving the car, while Odine sat in the very-highly-placed passenger's seat. Ellone was puttering around the back of the large vehicle. 

"Und vhy are ve not going faster?" Odine demanded of Ward, who was steering cautiously through the mountainous area. 

Ward said nothing, because he rarely did. He had changed out of his Estharian tunic and back into his Galbadian clothes, mostly because he felt that Estharian men's clothing resembled dresses. 

Odine, however, still preferred his clownlike attire to any more "normal" clothes. He stared icily at the larger man. "Vell? Vhat is goink on?" 

Ward still remained silent. 

Odine started jumping up and down in his seat. "You over-sized svine! Ve haff vays of making you talk!!" 

"Um, Dr. Odine," Ellone said, sticking her head into the driver's compartment, "Ward _can't_ talk, remember?" 

"Ya," said Odine, forgetting that he had forgotten that fact. "But still, vhy is the engine running so slowly? Ve have perhaps ze best top speed out of all ze cars. Did ve forget to fuel up before ze race?" 

"No," said Ellone innocently, "and Ward checked the oil, and Seifer even volunteered to put your magic marshmallows into the fuel tank for us..." 

"Vhat-vhat-_vhat_?!" Odine shouted. "You let zat Seifer put ze marshmallows into our gas tank? Zat means zat vhen the temperature gets hot enough, ze engine vill..." Odine's words came true as the engine exploded, forcing Ward to pull the Insane Asylum over to the side of the road. 

"Oh!" Irvine said in mock sympathy. "It looks like we've lost our second racer of the day! Ladies and gentlemen, let's take a break from the action so you can hear from our sponsors, but get ready for more action from SeeD's Wacky Races!

* * *

** AUTHOR'S NOTES: For those of you who didn't know, this was based off of Hanna-Barbera's "Wacky Races," which involved several of their characters in different auto races. The idea, like so many of my fanfiction stories, just lodged itself in my brain and wouldn't let go. We'll finish up the race next time. If I get enough positive response, I might have a few more races. Hell, I might go ahead and do that even if I don't.   
  
**


	2. We're Back From Break!

  


SeeD's _Wacky Races_

  
  
Part Two

* * *

_**TRY NEW SUPER-CRUNCHY GALBADI-Os!! NOW WITH EVEN MORE FIBER!!!**_

"_AND WE'RE BACK_!" Irvine shouted perhaps a little too enthusiastically. "Sorry, folks. I get excited about these Wacky Races, as I'm sure you already know. We have an incredible three-way race for first place right now! Let's check it out! Rinoa, what have you got for us?" 

"A lot, Irvine," said Rinoa. "As we turn into the third and final leg of the race, we can see that the double canyon jump is coming up! Let's see how our current leader, the Disciplinary Dynamo, handles this obstacle!" 

The camera focused in on Seifer, leaning out of the back of the Dynamo, aiming his gunblade at the closely-following Dog-o-matic Wonder. Seifer took two shots, then noticed that his camera was active. "Err, um, just trying to shoot some pesky Geezars that were chasing us," he said swiftly. 

"SEIFER, CORRECT," said Fujin quickly. "OTHER RACERS. NOT SHOOTING. AT." 

"Hey, I didn't see nothing, ya know?" said Raijin from the driver's seat. "I've been driving this whole time." 

The camera left the Disciplinary Dynamo and looked in on the current third-place team, the Supporting Casters. "These people may not have played too important of a role in the last Sorceress conflict," Rinoa told the audience, "but they still have their place, and right now, they're in third! Let's meet our lesser-known team!" 

The Supporting Caster's car was very nondescript. In fact, it was nearly indistinguishable from any other normal car. Nida sat confidently in the driver's seat, while Ma Dincht sat to his right, preparing a picnic lunch for her fellow racers. The Master Fisherman from Fisherman's Horizon was busy, sitting backwards in the back seat, fishing into a large bucket full of water that sat in the trunk. 

"I never really thought about it before," said Nida, "but I think maybe this is my whole purpose in life. Driving, I mean. What I'm saying is, I feel at home here, just like when I'm piloting the Garden." 

"Keep it down up there!" ordered the Master Fisherman from his rear view. "I'm trying to fish! You kids nowadays just don't get it, what it means to feel that first tug on a line..." The fisherman's cork bobbed with the motion of the car, but not with any influence from a fish, of which it seemed there were none in the bucket. "Not a bite all day," he lamented. 

"Sandwiches are ready!" said Ma Dincht, handing the grumpy fisherman one of three food items. 

"Dadburn it," said the Master Fisherman, "not tuna AGAIN! Don't you think I get enough of that at home?" 

"You'd better eat it all, or there'll be no dessert," warned the matronly woman. "Do you want yours now, Nida, darling?" 

"No, thank you, Mrs. Dincht," Nida answered politely. "I think we ought to finish the race before we have lunch." 

"You're such a nice boy," said Ma Dincht. "Little Zellykins could learn a few things about manners from you." 

Rinoa broke in. "And we're coming up on the jump now, everyone. Let's see how our first-place car handles it..." 

Seifer stood up in the backseat of the Disciplinary Dynamo. "Just like we practiced. All together, now!" All three team members released their stocked para-magic in unison, floating the chrome-plated car over the gap. The jump was not an impossible one, but certainly very dangerous. A pair of ethereal wings sprouted from the car's back, hefting it gently over the canyon. 

Neither Seifer nor his posse noticed the thin fishing line swoop towards their back bumper. A silvery hook latched onto the Disciplinary team's car as the Master Fisherman helped his own racing squad over the chasm. The Supporting Casters hitched a ride on Seifer's floating magic, sailing with ease over the Dollet canyon. While the Dynamo soared for hundreds of yards after completing the run, Nida and company landed rather noisily on the roadway behind Seifer. 

"Dang!" said the red-haired SeeD cadet. "They piggybacked on us!" 

"MATTERS, NOT," said Fujin. 

"Yeah, like, we're gonna win the race anyway, ya know?" Raijin agreed. 

"Uh-oh!" said Irvine. "Looks like the Dog-o-matic Wonder is having some trouble with its jump!" 

The camera panned backwards to the canyon jump, showing the hot dog-themed vehicle go sailing over the gap in a vaguely obscene manner. The sausage-shaped racer started wobbling in mid-air, then turned over upside-down and landed head-first on the road, sliding forward almost half a mile before slowing to a halt. The driver's side door was pounded a few times, then forced open. 

Quistis climbed slowly out the wreckage, coughing. "Well, that could have been worse, I suppose. At least we're not dead or anything. Zell, are you okay in there? What's going on?" 

"Be out in a second!" called Zell. 

Quistis dusted herself off, then started tapping her foot as she waited for her fellow SeeD. "What's taking so long?" 

"Done!" Zell shouted, crawling out of the remains of the Dog-o-matic Wonder. The boisterous blond SeeD had difficulty getting out of the wreck, as his arms were both holding the leftover hot dogs tightly to his chest. "Never leave a man behind," he explained. He set the hot dogs on top of the ruined vehicle. "Looks like we've got a while," Zell said, and began shoving hot dogs into his mouth, one after another. 

"Okay," Quistis agreed, and attempted to eat some herself, although she had but a pittance compared to Zell, who was guarding his stash vigorously. 

"We have our fourth place racer coming up on the canyon now," said Irvine to the camera, then thought about that a bit. "I guess in just a few minutes, it will probably be in third place, now, won't it?" 

"You got it, Irvine," Rinoa said from her spot on the ground. "Piloting this sleek vehicle is a man, who, in my humble opinion, is the handsomest driver in the whole race---" 

"Not that she's biased or anything," interrupted Irvine. "Besides, _I'm_ not a racer." 

"---as I was saying, making the jump next is the absolutely gorgeous Squallmobile!" 

"That's right," Squall affirmed from the driver's seat of his black convertible. In fact, the car seemed to have been modeled after Squall's signature wardrobe. The camera took a long, lingering sweep of the black car's exterior, including the two leather straps that criss-crossed the hood and the ruffled white "faux" fur that poked out the top of the backseat. "Don't blame me," Squall said as the camera centered back on him. "I didn't design the car." 

"That was me!" a cheery voice proudly stated from Squall's right. Selphie was tapping her hands rhythmically on the dashboard in time with a song playing over the radio. "I figured if we're going to have a race car, why not make it all pretty?" 

"And her clothes just _wouldn't_ do," Squall added sarcastically. "'Oh, Squall'," he mimicked, "'your color scheme is SO, like, cool! Yellow is totally yesterday!'" 

"Oh, shut up!" Selphie told him, punching him lightly in the shoulder. "He really likes it," she told the audience confidentially. "He just doesn't want anyone else to know." 

Squall grunted, upshifting as he turned around the final corner before the jump. As the Squallmobile got closer to the edge, he popped open a concealing panel on the dashboard. "Now, MY additions to the car, those are cool." He punched a blue-colored button in the secret compartment. A piston-powered spring hefted the Squallmobile airborne, and the sleek vehicle soared over the Dollet Canyon. "We've got cool features galore on this baby," Squall bragged. "Good looks or not, it's what's under the hood that counts." 

"Are you coming on to me?" Selphie asked, cocking her head at her commander. 

Squall looked a bit flustered. "What? No, I---uurraagh!" 

"_Rac--ing, Rac--ing_," Selphie sang from the passenger's seat, unconcerned by Squall's discomfort. 

Squall shook his head mildly, keeping his eyes on the road. "I still don't know how I ended up with her as my teammate." 

The camera follwoed the Squallmobile for a couple more seconds, then switched back to the near side of the jump. The Sorceress Special levitated over the canyon, then kept on levitating after it had crossed the gap. "Well," Irvine said, "I guess Sorceress Edea is using her innate magical abilities to keep her car in the air. That's one way to save wear and tear on your tires! But where is the Go, Go, Galbadia? Our intrepid friends Wedge and Biggs have yet to make their canyon jump!" 

The camera waited, focused in on the same spot for a few moments as Irvine studied the situation from his control room high above the racing ground. Irvine was silent for a while, then said, "Okay, well, I see we have a heated finish coming up, so let's check out the action as our racers head into the final stretch!" 

Seifer made no pretense about shooting at the other cars this time, firing several bullets from his gunblade at the second and third-place racers. Nida was trying to move the Supporting Casters out of the line of fire, while Selphie was throwing all kinds of offensive para-magic back at the Disciplinary Dynamo. 

From his vehicle, Squall pushed another button on his special control panel, sending a bunch of popcorn scattering from the back of the Squallmobile. "Oops," Squall said. "Pressed the wrong button." He punched another one, which caused a large cream pie to be launched from the front of his car. The pie sailed upward, finally landing on Raijin's face. The Disciplinary Dynamo spun out of control, with the unanticipated side effect of crashing into the Squallmobile. Both cars skittered to a stop on the left side of the road. 

"You've done it now, puberty-boy!" Seifer accused from his car. "Because of you, we're both going to lose." 

Squall kept silent for a few moments. "...shove it." 

Irvine broke into the scene. "And the Supporting Casters have won it all! We have a winner, folks! Whatever racer recovers first will be our runner-up today, and the other one will...no, wait! It looks like there's a dark horse coming up to steal second!" The Sorceress Supreme, still floating, crossed the finish line next, then took its place on the winners' circle. 

"No way am I giving up third!" Seifer leapt out of the Disciplinary Dynamo and, using his strength Junction, heaved the car over his head and carried it across the finish line. 

"And there are today's top three!" Irvine said with excitement as he dominated the screen once again. "And---what's that?" He listened to the feed from his earphone. "It seems that the Go, Go, Galbadia has finally caught up to the canyon jump, so let's take a look at how Biggs and Wedge handle the hurdle!" 

The Go, Go, Galbadia chugged forward, seemingly going ever slower as it approached the small ramp. When it got about halfway up, it sputtered to a stop, then began rolling back downhill. Biggs bounded out of the car and began kicking the side of the car. "Not AGAIN!" he shouted. "You stupid, worthless, unreliable..." 

"Sir, please stop kicking the car, sir!" Wedge said, hopping out of the passenger's seat. 

"I hate everything made in Galbadia!" Biggs yelled. "Nothing but crap, all of it! Why can't our government make one, single piece of equipment that actually does what it's supposed to?!" 

Wedge gulped. "Sir, we are on TV, sir!" 

Biggs turned around, seeing the red light on the camera. "Um, what I meant to say is, um, I love Galb---" 

The scene shifted. "Here are today's winners!" Irvine said proudly. "In first: the Supporting Casters!" Nida, Ma Dincht, and the Master Fisherman waved from the center podium. "In second: the Sorceress Supreme!" Edea looked smug as she and Cid held up their second place trophy. "And in third: the Disciplinary Dynamo!" Seifer and the posse appeared very self-satisfied even though the win had been taken away from them. 

"That's it for now, boys and girls!" Irvine said. "But get ready! Soon enough you'll be able to see another one of SeeD's _Wacky Races_!"

* * *

There we are! Drop me a review and let me know what you think! Or, you could check out (and hopefully, review) some of my other works like "My Friend Zell," "The ALL-NEW Final Fantasy 8 Adventures," and "A Christmas Shave." A little early for Xmas, but it'll help ease you into that holiday spirit! See ya next time!   
  



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